Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man