Why can’t mirrors be nicer
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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
mood
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…