Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool