In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Are you ok, human???
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Smooooooth
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer