Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Morning.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“i am a sweet baby”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid