Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Morning my dudes.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.