yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What鈥檚 with the lab coat?
PRIEST: god knows how you鈥檙e behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn鈥檛 listening): and also with you
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
You can鈥檛 change your past but you can change your pasta.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn鈥檛 look like you鈥檝e been flossing.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that鈥檚 right
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…馃憞
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I did nothing wrong鈥擨 tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.