I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
You Might Also Like
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that