Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
the greatest twitter interaction
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.