[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.