Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.