[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids