It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m Sold!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids