*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball