“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
What even happened today?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
🤭😂
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.