my nickname in college
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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse