Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there鈥檚 somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don鈥檛 even know what鈥檚 in them. Could be bricks
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken馃悾 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them馃槀馃槀
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]