Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag