Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12