I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
You had me at “define legal”.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.