To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
You Might Also Like
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.