When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
This hospital has everything
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.