“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
You Might Also Like
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: Iâm not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes âugh thank you I needed that!â then just hung up
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
We donât have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I donât feel safe anymore.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
âJust be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.â
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Found the job I’m suited for
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog đđ
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
âI wouldâve gotten away with it, too, if it wasnât for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!â
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment đ
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isnât one
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My son screamed âwatch out dadâ in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car đ. I said thanks. He said, âi couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dadâ
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. Youâd think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but youâd be wrong.