“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
when you don’t want to be too vague
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?