Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car