Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.