I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!