I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose