I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
ouch
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.