Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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Okay, I’m still confused…
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Software Development ⛵️
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit