I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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The struggle is real.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers