I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Breaking news:
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
This is what makes twitter great
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
i did the math
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.