the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
WTF
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I hope it’s French Onion!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you