The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???