getting corrected
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.