Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.