One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.