husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
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She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.