How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.