Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
How I’d get arrested…
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I falcon love using swear birds
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.