Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Money is the root of all wealth
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
me hooking up with my ex
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.