My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya