[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
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ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I just ran a .003048K
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>