“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”