2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
This is a whole mood;
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled