They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
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Yup
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
i love meeting boys on tinder
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.