The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Natural selection at its finest
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.