I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I like crazy people until they notice me
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.