My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.