It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
You Might Also Like
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track